I hate being in love with someone who doesn't love me anymore and who is dating someone else now. I hate her. Why did he have to go and do this to me? I didn't htink it woudl bother me if he dated someone but it bothers me more than I can even deal with right now. My life is seriously falling apart and I can't deal with any of it. I keep sleeping, hoping it'll all go away, but it doesn't. I'm far behind on my work too. That doesn't help anything. I saw him at convention this weekend and it was so incredibly ainful. I love him still.  I don't know why, but I do. Damn it. And he won't call me back either. He's ignoring me on purpose I'm sure. And of course everybody will love his new girlfriend. everyoen except me, so I"ll be the mean bitch that's irrationally mad at this girl for no reason. I wish I could just go away and never see any of them ever again. I want to move away, far far away from all of them, everyone. I don't want to be in the blindness community anymore. All it does i create drama and hurt me And I'm not even helping anyone, which was the original plan when I got involved with this. I should've resigned from the presidency of the student division. I"ll let her take it over. She can work on the board with her boyfriend. I don't even know how to go on and handle things. I'm too stressed out and I don't know how to deal. Everyone here at school is being super nice to me but I still can't deal with it. I'm so screwed up. I want it all to just go away. Forever.

So I just found out that one of my mentees moved out of the dorm and nobody told me! She never came to me to talk about it or anything. I've been checking up on them and everything seemed fine. Then all of a sudden Michelle, my team leader, tells me that one of them moved out. I don't know which one it is, she didn't say. And of course it's Saturday night and she didn't want to talk to me about it until later. I love hte communication within our team. I love the communication between us and the RAs. Note the sarcasm here. I just can't believe it. I feel like such a failure, such a bad peer mentor. And by the way, this is the second time this has happened to me! It happened last time and nobody bothered to tel me! I don't get it, what am I doing wrong? Why do I always get the mentees that never come to me? Am I that scary? Is it the blindness? I"ll admit it if it is. It must be because I don't know what else it is. I have tried being the nicest person possible, always checking up on them, but not being too in their faces. I just don't get it. I don't know what I possibly could've done differently but obviously there must be something. This does nto help my self esteem when I am supposed to go in to genetic counseling. Not to mention what my boss thinks of me, DeEttra. I wanted to ask her to write me a letter of rec for grad school. Looks like that won't be happening. She'll say that twice now I've failed to help the freshmen work things out with their roommates and then I won't get in to grad school because of it.

Not to mention, Michelle is being kinda loud right now and it's pissing me off. Screaming and yelling is something you do outside. not inside. Thanks. How am I supposed to study, exactly? uuuuuuuuuuuggggggghhh!

Yeah I know, I know. I haven't been around for a while. Sorry! I got caught up with life. I'm a senior now. Oh my god. I had a good summer, I think. I graduated from Colorado. that made me happy. I did, however, break my wrist. That, on the other hand, did not make me happy. But I lived through it and I am here to tell about it! I fell down 20 metal stairs. But I sruvived and except for the pain that I still feel in my wrist, everything is ok. My summer was filled with drama, of all kinds, that I don't need to go in to right now. Drama between me and B.J., drama between me and my roommate, drama between her and her boyfriend/friend, drama between her and her girlfriend/friend. But I met some cool people there too, so it was good. I was glad to leave. Convention was fun, although not as fun asother years. I just wasn't feelin' it this year.

So now I am back at school. And what do you think I'm doing tonight? Yep, procrastinating. I'm taking ochem and it's stressing me out. I can't even do my prelab, so that stresses me out. I have to constantly go in for help and that stresses me out. Student division stuff is stressing me out too. And then, there is my thesis. That is stressing me out too. of course.

So that's my life in a nutshell. No love life as of now. Probably a good thing. HOpefully I"ll be getting out of the dumps of LA in just a few short months. And then I"ll be in a new place, with new people. It'll be great. Because of course, I"ll be getting in to grad school. It can't be any other way.

So yeah I should do some work.

Well, once again, I had the brilliant idea of going to bed early because of my final in the morning. Very smart. Not. Now it's 2?30 and I'm awake. ugh. so annoying! I hope this sleeping pattern does not follow me to Colorado. But, this may be my last post from California, unless I get a chance to post from home, which may or may not happen. But, some good news to report! I found out today that I got an A minus in cell biology! Woohoo!! I have never gotten an A in a science class ever, well ok, in high school I did, but not since then. It was an awesome feeling. I got an 83 on my final but I think the lab grades helped pull me up. So tomorrow is physiology and hopefully it iwll go ok. I have soooo much to do tomorrow since my room must be organized and packed up before my mom comes with a few boxes to finish the rest of it. I also have to defrost my fridge. um, yeah. Ok, so I'll pretend I'm already at the center. This will be a learning experience. lol

Speaking of the center and this summer, I also found out where I will be living. IT's cool. IT's in the same building I was in last year but upstairs. Great. Now I get to lug groceries up the stairs. Fun times! I also had my meeting with my senior thesis people the other day and it was so amazing. They told me they want me to start doing research for my senior thesis and I said I'd be on dialup this summer and my advisor was like well, how would you like it if school payed for your internet connection this summer. I was like sure!! So I have a DSL line in my name and I will have to get reinbersed when I return in the fall. So I have to do work but it's soooo cool cuz I get my own line! I felt all important setting it up and everything.

So I guess that's all the news. I'm goign home on Friday, and leaving for CO on Tuesday. I'm excited. My life adventure continues. lol